The only thing our brains love more than patterns is predictability – and to be right. It’s easy to assume that because something has turned out the way you expected it to, it „always“ happens in that way. However, thinking in absolutes can create friction – for us! Read on to find out how to handle a brain that loves „always“ and how that’s what creates annoyance for you.
You’re probably right! But being right is easy.
Take the example of a work colleague repeatedly arriving to meetings late. What happens for you? Most likely, you’ll want to assume they’re always late to meetings. You’ll probably start to see that colleague through a lens of assumption, with the assumption being that they’re “always late”. And you might be right!
But what you’re probably not realizing is that when you start to see your colleague through the lens of “always”, that assumption only serves the purpose of efficiency. The brain wants to look at this occasion as something it can rely on. It wants the lens of “always”, so it can make the person’s behaviour AND your reaction to it, a habit. Mostly because that provides a degree of predictability – brains do not like uncertainty, and predictability seems like the antidote.
„Always“ is a thought
It’s not an objective truth. Even if that colleague has been late to every single meeting in the past, that doesn’t mean they will always be late (I know. I hear your protest). It doesn’t even matter, because if what you feel when you expect your colleague to be late is annoyance, you are the one who ends up getting annoyed at something you created consistency around, which will impact how you show up and how you act around that colleague. When left uninterrupted, that cycle will repeat, engroove and impact your life, because your brain loves “always” and creates its own consistency by looking for all the evidence that you have in the past to prove yourself right.
Why our brains love „always“ and how to handle it.
Of course, no matter how much we’d love to control how other people behave, we’re not going to get there. It’s impossible, it doesn’t fix the issue AND it’s much slower than actually paying attention to the annoyance and dealing with it on your end.
Of course we don’t want to pay attention to the annoyance at first! We want the other person to behave a certain way instead, so we don’t have to feel it, but I promise if you stay with yourself here and follow these three simple steps, not only will you stop being annoyed at the world around you not complying (which it won’t), you will also meet yourself in there somewhere, which is a far more sustainable path out of the annoyance that “always” creates.
The key here is to flip „always“ on its ear and let it serve you.
Next time you notice your brain loves “always” and brings it up as a precursor to something you are annoyed by, notice that as a thought – not an objective truth – and
- challenge yourself to quantify “always”
- create some mental space around the annoyance
- and approach your brain with “of course!“
Because relationships mend when you mend them for yourself.
